ways to be a politically correct asshole.

as u know kite org melayu ni penuh dengan tatatertib ketimuran kan. membesar dgn pantang larang gn adat sume teaches us how to respect the elders and love the younger. tipulah klu korang xde yg amalkan tatacara hidup sopan kan. *kejadah la tatacara* klu ko xsopan pon in real life at least mesti la buat2 sopan bile balik kampung kan. at least klu lalu depan org tua tu mesti la mcm nk "ehem2, tumpang lalu ye mokcikkk..." then tunduk siket tanda hormat ye dak? org tua2 kata reason kite kene tunduk time jalan tu cz xnk kite langgar batang idong dorang camtu. aku pon tataw mane logiknye kite boleh terlanggar hidung dorang tu. salu aku jalan pon muat lagi nk letak lemari kt space antara aku gn idung die tu, lainlah klu idung die mancung mcam pinocchio. xpon ko saje jalan rapat gile sampaikan terpijak lutut die pastu terlanggar batang hidung die plak. mcm impossible. tapi..wallahualambissawab.

tapi taktaw la klu ade yg family korang yang jenis xkisah pon sume adat2 ni. like u can simply say "hey bapak, aku benci kau" to ur father bile bapak kau taknak belikan kau ps2 and get away with it coz ur father would just say like "oh anakku, daku mntk maaf. " kira ni stok2 omputeh la ni parents salah siket je die dah dok "damnn.. i hate u dad!!!" pastu keluar rumah hentak pintu kuat2 pegi mall dgn geng2 emo die pierce bibir, dagu dgn kening segala nk tunjuk ko rebel kat bapak kau sbb xdapat ps2 punye pasal. lantak ko lah nak.

so sbb tu la org melayu punye sopan ni kdg2 die punye ckp ni lagi lembut lagi lidah. like when u wanna say something offensive u wont say it directly, ko ckp lapik punye lapik punye lapik so that org tu xterasa dgn ape yg ko ckp but at the same time die dpt msg utama yg ko nk sampaikan tu. itulah yg dinamakan sindiran. so in this topic i'd like to guide you on how to be a politically correct assholes. so die mcm buat org yg ko sindir tu serba salah nk maki kau ke nk rasa malu dgn diri sndiri. mcm " hahahaha...yekee." cis. sialpalis benar mulut anda..getus beliau dlm hati kecilnye . but pls do this dekat org2 yg lebih kurang umur dgn kite je ye sbb klu ko buat kt org yg lebih tua aku xjamin die segan dgn diri sndiri. malahan die xsegan silu nk bg penampor kat pipi kau.

1. Si housemate pemalas yang xghoti buat keje rumah

kau ade hosmet jenis pemalas basuh pinggan, yang main letak je sume dalam singki buat2 xtaw beza tu sinki ke dishwasher, ko dtg sbelah die buat2 ala bizi mesra kat dapor borak gn die. then ko ckp kat die.

"awak ni jarang2 basuh pnggan, mesti kulit tgn awak lembut je kan. untung lah..pasti suami sayang."

then buat muka ala2 sedih konon2 die adalah manusia paling beruntung dikurniakan kulit tgn selembut sutera. and kau sgt malang dapat kulit tgn kasar sbb dok jd maid basuh pinggan die je hari2.

2. Si pengguna yg rajin buat barang orang jadi hakmilik terpelihara die.

time die bersiap2 nk keluar pakai baju yg ko macam kenal penah jadi hakmilik kau, kau cepat2 keluar bilik buat2 tgh tengok die bersiap beserta muka penuh admiration sambil cakap

"baju saya ni mmg sesuai betul dgn badan n warna kulit awak, patut la awk suke sgt pakai"

sambil betul2 kan baju die tanda kekaguman kau pada kecantikan die yg tak terhingga.

3. Si penghutang2 yg liat bayar

kau pegi kedai makan ke mane2 kedai dgn die. then time nk gi kaunter nk bayar tu kau buat2 gelabah tetek raba2 poket seluar cari wallet ke purse ko. bile si die tanya ko cakap.

"kau ade duit x? aku nk pinjam jap. nk tlg bayar hutang kau kat aku tahun lepas."

pastu sengihlah ala2 kerang busuk tanda ko sedar yg ko telah berhasil buat lawak yg gagal menggelikan hati nurani beliau.

sengihan penuh bermakna

4. Si pengecek tegar.

ni jenis org yg pantang ko pegang makanan without fail die akn dtg mntk makanan ko. xdpt sesuap secubit poon jadik. pekata next time die dtg nk mntk mknn, ko keluarkan sume stok makanan yg ko ade. make sure smpi melimpah2 makann ko kuakan tu then ko pelawa die makan,.

"jemput2 makan lagi. tambah2 jgn lupe baca bismillah. bukan sng nk dapat rezeki lari2 bergolek kat kau camni. syukur alhamdulillah...."

sambil tadah tangan ke atas tanda bersyukur. klu die xpaham bahasa, ko tlg tapaukan sume mknan dlm beg die smpai almari mknn ko kosong then ko bgtahu la ...

" nasib ade kau. klu x mmg xtahu mane nk 'buang' mknn aku bnyk2 yg mak aku ssh2 pos dari jauh ni"

so, if any of these failed nak sedarkan die, then u have every right to sound die direct. org macam ni mmg xmakan saman. kau kene bagi die berdas2 baru die sedar diri. so, selamat mencuba.

p/s: aku xjamin persahabatan korang kekal ke akhir hayat dah pasni. pandai2 korang lah nk idop klu kawan korang tu tglkn ko.

jokes that aren't funny

women always love a man with a great sense of humor. that's an unwritten fact i picked somewhere along my way evolving myself into a mature adult woman. i myself would prefer someone funny and fun to be with rather than fucking a seriously serious dude. but BEHOLD and BEWARE guys, not all jokes are considered as funny from a girl's point of view. in addition to your failed attempt tickling her laughing center, u might also get your throat tickled by her feet. and maybe together with a bitch slap or two.

BODY

you can crack any jokes related to her deaf-inducing-laugh or turbo-like fart but trust me u cant do the same to her body figure. worst case scenario, you will get choked by her feet or maybe having her distancing herself for about a week if she's the kind of girl that never get used to merajuk lama2 la. really women are very particular about their body shape. a new fold in front or their abs can really cause a world's health problem to her. and if you are so ignorant to turn that into a joke u'll be a sorry man coz she will never get it.

"hey baby, u dh ade 2 tayar dah kat depan. klu i golekkan u kat bawah ni agak2 boleh x u guling2 macam tenggiling?"

see what i meant?

WEIGHT

weight is the most sacred number in woman's life other than their age. talking about age and body weight, woman usually prefers to keep it secret but if u happen to know these 2 numerical identities, then u must be someone that she trusted most, hence don't ever break it.

"yo ma gf is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale"

u can try to be a funny ass by cracking a yo' momma joke in front of her if u feel like u have lived enough of your life.

ACNE

normally most women will have one or two eruptions every month due to our cyclical hormonal changes. so fyi gentlemen , acne is not really a teenager's problem coz if u have noticed, pre-menopausal women also faced the same problem. and yes that includes ur momma, your gf's mommah and even the MILFs out there. i do have eruptions every now and then and i admit i hate it when i have to go for a date everytime i have huge pimple(s) on my face. it's because my pimple has a predilection for the center of my forehead and when i talked to people, i felt like they were talking to my pimple rather than to myself. oh maybe my pimple was just trying to be friendly.

anyhow, my point is never ever make a joke out of it. its the "time" of the month and if u happened to have a gf or wife with severe PMS save yourself from getting a tantrum combo. coz everytime my bf tried to be funny like

"can u please put ur headlight on a low beam mode coz i cant stand the glare"

or calling me an ultrawoman for having a full blown reddish acne on my forehead, i was like

"HAHAHA, my god u should go for RAJA LAWAK audition for your incredible sense of humor u know."

and i cant help to feel like banging his head on that steering wheel so he can have that contrecoup effect to reposition his brain.

HERSELF AS A WHOLE

we were born with different features and some woman fell into beautiful category, some in mediocre and some are so-so. but beauty lies in the eye of beholder and my definition of beauty might or might not be the same as yours. u know women felt flattered if u say things like how attractive she is, cute and all and will try as much as they can to make it not obvious to you guys, or tries to deny it sometimes just to make sure you're not trying to be a charmer. but if u say things like

" ur face looked like a moon....LOLOLOLOLOL" or

"hi si dayang senandung~...hihihi....."

like REPEATEDLY hoping that she wont take it personally, u are seriously a terrible joker. u know women still can accept it if u crack it once or twice even if it holds truth in it. but if u have said it for the umpteenth times, even the most beautiful girl would suffer from what we called as insecurity or inferiority complex especially if u are someone who means a world to her.

see guys, women have the most tender heart, no matter how butch she is or how strong she acted in front of u deep inside she still want to be treated with care, love and affection, just like any other fragile woman. it's because women can never acted tough forever. at times she needs someone that she can manja with, talked to for hours to meet her biological needs, yes the fucking hormones. keep this little advice at the back of ur head so the next time u wanna try to be like Russle brand, u have this guide with u. for the time being, go polish ur flirting skill and upgrade your lame pick-up line coz acting monkey doesn't always work all the time.

women are the greatest impostor

when a friend of mine told me that he had lose hope in love because he said that all girls are liar, i was taken aback at his generalization while attempted to defend this venus species. then i realized at some point that i have nothing strong to brought into this argument and i just couldn't agree more with what he said. this is because women are indeed a greatest liar when it comes to their physical appearance.

lets start it off from the head.

1. hair

not all of us u have met so far kept our hair in their original state yes of course u knew that. some are dyed, some are being rebonded and some are getting it curled also. rarely u will find us with a perfect long super straight black silky hair. yes im talking about the mongoloids, if ur girl is a caucasian descendant please ignore this. we were blinded by the shampoo advertorials that tells us everyday girls with smooth silky super straight hair are beautiful while those with frizzy hair doesn't.

sometimes we rather opt for a better deceitful idea by wearing a wig and mind u wigs nowadays are hard to differentiate from the genuine one as some of them are made up of real human hair. now tell me are u certain enough that the woman u are currently going out with isn't bald or have a very limited strands of hair hanging precariously on her head? so guys now u know our very own secret of having a thick and flawless hair.

2. eyes

fake eyelashes are now epidemics. just go to the mall and u can see their ubiquity. wearing fake eyelashes can enhance our look exponentially. say if we have those squinty eyes, falsies cover it up almost successfully particularly those with bushy lashes. now have u ever wondered why rozita cik wan never let those falsies off her eyes? she is actually having a squinted eyes and thus had opt for a much cheaper non surgical method for a cover up. LOL

stunning eyes aren't they?

look at the eyes closely fellas

3. breasts

we know guys always had a thing for breasts and we always tried our best to make it look appealing to your pervertible eyes . but i dun feel like talking about the boob job we've been adopting as the famous breast enhancement trick here, coz we knew it's impossible for u guys to strip our shirt off and lift the breasts just to see the implant's scar to ascertain the D cup originality. you might feel that u were the lucky one for having one of us as with bust like keely hazel as ur gf but little did u know about the simple trick we had put on since your first date with us. come on, get out from that little cocoon of yourself and get to know how underwire and push-up bra works which we presume most guys did a very good homework back then. and did you know that a simple adhesive tape placed on the upper part of the breasts would give our saggy breasts a booblift? what an invention!

4. nipple

did you get sexcited easily everytime u watch a us walking with our nips erected underneath the white shirt? well before u waste that jizz on your pants we suggest u to hold it on for a sec and pat on your back if u are able to do so guys. it's because u had succesfully saved some viable sperms from jerking off to that stick-on nipple prosthesis which gave us that perky look.

cool huh?

5. abs

we didn't use makeup just for the face but also as a mean to fake a toned look of our abs. this is however wont work well on an abs with a size of lorry tyre of course. shading both the sides of our abs can give a slimmer and sexier look. *go youtube it for a proper tutorial ladies and fool the guys all you want*

6. hymen

yes u read it right guys. not only we had sex before u came into our lives, we also have an artificial hymen just to make u feel good about yourself on our first sex. aint that superhuman enough for being able to become a virgin again? if we cant be certain about ur virginity then neither do u. now that's a fair world we live in isn't it..LOL.

marry in confidence, keep your secret.

see the truth? women are really a great impostor. so ladies, next time a guy called u a liar, smile and walk graciously at his compliment coz what he really meant is you are a stunner and he's a fool for trusting u blatantly.


p/s: guys dated the right girl always end up having neurogenic shock in the morning for waking up beside the left girl.

from awful to awesome piglet

how to be a FB star?

hey guys.. so how long i've been ignoring my blog here? one week or two?

last time i remember talking a bit about instant celebrity in my tribute to p. ramlee post. well now i think that i would like to give away some tips on how to be a FB star without having to undergo the audition phase.

Prerequisite

first of all, before you do anything, think like a star. but don't get too carried away. you are yet to be a FB star.

approve all the friend requests u have even though the profile name sounds like "boodak nuckal" and "lisa comey" type and do the favor by adding their friends back to get at least a total of 5438 friends.

act as if u have a bunch of fans in your friend's list. or else, it is advisable to think like all 4573 friends of yours are your die hard stalkers. when you have this with u, then i think u are ready to go.

FB status

change your facebook status every 3 minutes or so. dont let ur FB be a mundane one by flooding it with "barn buddy" or "restaurant city" type of statuses. your fans want to know more about yourself, your life, and what revolves around u, not the goddamm crops u've been working on or missing cows u have found.

u dont know what to update?

its okay, dont crack that little brain of yours. a simple "hye good morning people" would do. u can tweak it accordingly depending upon the time u go "on air" .

act like u are a concerned prime minister in the next minutes asking the health of his taxpayer by simply putting " apekhabar semua org hariniii?????sihat ke x?" in your status update.

tips : remember to address your fans dearly. add a smiley at the end of the sentence to tell them how u feel.

u can also say something that's not worth to mention at all like "bosannnnnnnnnnnyeee" or "..............................." but trust me your dear fan out there are really happy with it. that way they will know that u are currently online and thus can have a FB chat with their idol. if u are single, this is the best time to get hooked up with someone u have been stalking since forever.

relationship status

you are the hottest man or woman on earth no doubt. remember this. due to that u might want to let ur fans know ur current relationship status. u have just dated an osem Mc'd delivery boy last 32 minutes. let the world know. change it to "in a relationship". tell the frustrated pervert (whom u have approved randomly) that u are now taken and have found the love of your life, that you will no longer be able to entertain their lonely little dick.

if u happened to have a fight with your boy, MAKE SURE that ur tittle is no longer "in a relationship" change it to "its complicated". u might be having comments flooding in asking u why this and that. don't get panicked, you are actually on the right track. deal with them wisely. let the comments raised upto hundreds if possible. that will get u noticed way much easier as it will appear on your fan's homepage as their top stories. u will be known among ur new fans in no time.

u might want to change your status back to "single " again just to see how much have been hitting on you, whom also have a pair of undescended testes to make a move. be prepared to have comments like " wow, dah single ke? boleh la tackle ni?" they might have the lamest pickup line u have ever imagined, but don't think too much of that. this is the time to get noticed. tell them u just love the way they flirts and all. this way they will keep commenting on your status and voila, it appears in your friend's homepage again. remember to treat your fans equally and make them feel that all of them have a fair chance to win your heart.

plus point : a face as sexy-bitchy-naughty-me as megan fox's with pamela's bust.

tweak it : add cute giggles like "hikhikhik ^_^" at the end of ur comments to show the true feminine part of yours coz i have never seen a guy dated pengkid.

i think thats all for now. i'm being quite unfair to the other gender i know. but dont worry ,i 'll come up with some more tips for the bloke out there in my next post later.

till then, good luck and have a safe sex everyone.HAHA