ways to be a politically correct asshole.

as u know kite org melayu ni penuh dengan tatatertib ketimuran kan. membesar dgn pantang larang gn adat sume teaches us how to respect the elders and love the younger. tipulah klu korang xde yg amalkan tatacara hidup sopan kan. *kejadah la tatacara* klu ko xsopan pon in real life at least mesti la buat2 sopan bile balik kampung kan. at least klu lalu depan org tua tu mesti la mcm nk "ehem2, tumpang lalu ye mokcikkk..." then tunduk siket tanda hormat ye dak? org tua2 kata reason kite kene tunduk time jalan tu cz xnk kite langgar batang idong dorang camtu. aku pon tataw mane logiknye kite boleh terlanggar hidung dorang tu. salu aku jalan pon muat lagi nk letak lemari kt space antara aku gn idung die tu, lainlah klu idung die mancung mcam pinocchio. xpon ko saje jalan rapat gile sampaikan terpijak lutut die pastu terlanggar batang hidung die plak. mcm impossible. tapi..wallahualambissawab.

tapi taktaw la klu ade yg family korang yang jenis xkisah pon sume adat2 ni. like u can simply say "hey bapak, aku benci kau" to ur father bile bapak kau taknak belikan kau ps2 and get away with it coz ur father would just say like "oh anakku, daku mntk maaf. " kira ni stok2 omputeh la ni parents salah siket je die dah dok "damnn.. i hate u dad!!!" pastu keluar rumah hentak pintu kuat2 pegi mall dgn geng2 emo die pierce bibir, dagu dgn kening segala nk tunjuk ko rebel kat bapak kau sbb xdapat ps2 punye pasal. lantak ko lah nak.

so sbb tu la org melayu punye sopan ni kdg2 die punye ckp ni lagi lembut lagi lidah. like when u wanna say something offensive u wont say it directly, ko ckp lapik punye lapik punye lapik so that org tu xterasa dgn ape yg ko ckp but at the same time die dpt msg utama yg ko nk sampaikan tu. itulah yg dinamakan sindiran. so in this topic i'd like to guide you on how to be a politically correct assholes. so die mcm buat org yg ko sindir tu serba salah nk maki kau ke nk rasa malu dgn diri sndiri. mcm " hahahaha...yekee." cis. sialpalis benar mulut anda..getus beliau dlm hati kecilnye . but pls do this dekat org2 yg lebih kurang umur dgn kite je ye sbb klu ko buat kt org yg lebih tua aku xjamin die segan dgn diri sndiri. malahan die xsegan silu nk bg penampor kat pipi kau.

1. Si housemate pemalas yang xghoti buat keje rumah

kau ade hosmet jenis pemalas basuh pinggan, yang main letak je sume dalam singki buat2 xtaw beza tu sinki ke dishwasher, ko dtg sbelah die buat2 ala bizi mesra kat dapor borak gn die. then ko ckp kat die.

"awak ni jarang2 basuh pnggan, mesti kulit tgn awak lembut je kan. untung lah..pasti suami sayang."

then buat muka ala2 sedih konon2 die adalah manusia paling beruntung dikurniakan kulit tgn selembut sutera. and kau sgt malang dapat kulit tgn kasar sbb dok jd maid basuh pinggan die je hari2.

2. Si pengguna yg rajin buat barang orang jadi hakmilik terpelihara die.

time die bersiap2 nk keluar pakai baju yg ko macam kenal penah jadi hakmilik kau, kau cepat2 keluar bilik buat2 tgh tengok die bersiap beserta muka penuh admiration sambil cakap

"baju saya ni mmg sesuai betul dgn badan n warna kulit awak, patut la awk suke sgt pakai"

sambil betul2 kan baju die tanda kekaguman kau pada kecantikan die yg tak terhingga.

3. Si penghutang2 yg liat bayar

kau pegi kedai makan ke mane2 kedai dgn die. then time nk gi kaunter nk bayar tu kau buat2 gelabah tetek raba2 poket seluar cari wallet ke purse ko. bile si die tanya ko cakap.

"kau ade duit x? aku nk pinjam jap. nk tlg bayar hutang kau kat aku tahun lepas."

pastu sengihlah ala2 kerang busuk tanda ko sedar yg ko telah berhasil buat lawak yg gagal menggelikan hati nurani beliau.

sengihan penuh bermakna

4. Si pengecek tegar.

ni jenis org yg pantang ko pegang makanan without fail die akn dtg mntk makanan ko. xdpt sesuap secubit poon jadik. pekata next time die dtg nk mntk mknn, ko keluarkan sume stok makanan yg ko ade. make sure smpi melimpah2 makann ko kuakan tu then ko pelawa die makan,.

"jemput2 makan lagi. tambah2 jgn lupe baca bismillah. bukan sng nk dapat rezeki lari2 bergolek kat kau camni. syukur alhamdulillah...."

sambil tadah tangan ke atas tanda bersyukur. klu die xpaham bahasa, ko tlg tapaukan sume mknan dlm beg die smpai almari mknn ko kosong then ko bgtahu la ...

" nasib ade kau. klu x mmg xtahu mane nk 'buang' mknn aku bnyk2 yg mak aku ssh2 pos dari jauh ni"

so, if any of these failed nak sedarkan die, then u have every right to sound die direct. org macam ni mmg xmakan saman. kau kene bagi die berdas2 baru die sedar diri. so, selamat mencuba.

p/s: aku xjamin persahabatan korang kekal ke akhir hayat dah pasni. pandai2 korang lah nk idop klu kawan korang tu tglkn ko.

you don't need a perfect body to be sexy

"There's nothing sexier than a woman who's comfortable in her own skin and happy with herself" - James Deen.

u must have been wondering who the fook is james deen. he is one of the most reliable person to comment on women's beauty whatnot. because so far he has been with 6000 individual tities and 3000 vaginas. no he is not an Obstetrician nor Gynaecologist. not even close to. he is just a star. not the regular star, but a PORNstar.

well i stumbled upon this article 'James Deen on what makes women good in bed' on one of the news i followed on twitter. he became a pornstar when he was 18. n it was his ambition to become a pornstar since he was in primary school. no it's not his biography that is any of my concern here, i just want to highlight the things he said in an interview that i hope will help some women out there who's suffering from inferiority complex disorder.

women are naturally concern with their bodies and how they look. some believe that being skinny is the exact definition of sexiness while some prefer to have extra kgs on their body. but little did women realize that none of them matters as long as they are comfortable with how their body looks which is quite a myth. a 'sane' woman will never ever feel comfortable with her body. that's why plastic surgeons are making quite a good money nowadays. and that explains why some women have gone extra miles taking risks just to be beautiful. well if u haven't heard a woman was being injected cement into her buttock by a fake doctor, google might be of a little help here.

being beautiful is not all about how u look on the outside, it's more like how u carry yourself in front of others. because if u're not happy with your body then how do you expect others to accept your body? the greatest style a woman can wear is confident yada yada yada. we've heard it so many times but very few of us are actually doing it. because most of the time, we feel so insecure about ourselves that we are unable to see things beyond that. we keep lamenting on our less appealing features instead of flaunting those best features endowed. to me, this type of person will never manage to pull it off even if they already have 99% perfection in them.

there's more to life than the external beauty. trust me, woman will never go under the knives if they have their loved ones who are happy with the way they look. who have never once tried to change anything on the girl's body. i've seen some average-looking women who are so confident with their extra bumps just because they have a very loving and supportive significant other, who never fails to make their woman feels beautiful just by appreciating them in their lives. and telling them how pretty they'll look with just anything. so to the women out there, if u are still unhappy with ur body, i'm sorry to say that u are actually yet to discover your mr right. if he really loves u, he'll never want to change what's already yours, he's in love with you no matter how awful u look *especially on waking up*, and he'll still see u the same even without ur make up on. well if not, that's okay. at the moment, u can have fun with your 'mr right now'. to guys, love ur woman not because of her external beauty. cz no matter how beautiful u think she was when u first met, the feeling will never be the same when u two live together.

here's the link. read more if u want to know what he said. but do have a little imagination while reading for better understanding. LOL

http://www.thefrisky.com/2010-06-14/porn-star-james-deen-on-what-makes-a-woman-good-in-bed/

yeah fuck that hormone

im seriously not in the mood of anything. there are times in your life when you feel so low and fucked up and u had enough with all the people around you and mine happened just now. i have friends all around yet i feel so lonely, i have boyfriend(s) virtually by my side yet i dont feel loved. i have so many things to be done but i do nothing about it. i dont wanna do anything i just want to sit and stare into the nothingness playing with my thoughts thinking about what i am going to think one after another.

this is the time when i think that im just a lifeless bitch and that i need something to feel alive again. something that tells me that i can still feel what i wanted to feel. it is this time that i'll become rambunctious as fuck and insensitive to what others feel and think about me. and surely i wont give a fuck about your social norms or any other limitations u have set for me.

dont remind me how fucked up my life is. my silence dont mean nothing. it tells u that the inside of me have been devotedly working to find a solution that will never bear an answer. u have no idea how much i ve been trying to ditch the thoughts away yet they still linger persistently at the back of my head. i got tired of acting cool about all the things being said or done. u might not know a shit but that doesnt matter coz i have always liked it that way.

i am human. we arent perfect. we were born to make mistakes and learn something from it so that we wont do it for the second time. but no, not all of us learn from the mistakes we had done, some man commit the mistakes over and over again coz they have learnt the trick on how to escape from the repercussion of his wrong doing until they get caught. and that's just me.

gawd why am i wailing like a postpartum psychic. this fucking hormone has seriously
taking its toll on me.
COULD YOU JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME YOU FUCKING HORMONE?? !
now please excuse me, i need to do a little thinking again.

of exams and attendance

exam is coming in real soon, no matter how much i try not to give a fuck about it i cant help myself from being bothered because it will sort of affects my financial status if im not doing it well, at least not getting myself that F word on my result slip. having exam and not doing anything about it really makes me feel like nauseated and suffocated.

seriously i loathe exams well who doesn't. i don't think that exam should be held solely as a yardstick to assess a person's knowledge or performances. exam will not determine how good u are in your field but judgement skill does. but what's the differences? isn't a person with a string of As in their result have logical thinking too.

a person who passes their exams with flying colors does not necessarily mean she or he is competent enough to face their real world. he may have the idea but he may not know how to apply it in real life. exam is just about memorizing, mugging up what's written in your textbook. we read it today just to be forgotten the next day or if you are lucky enough the day after. studying isn't about scoring more A s or getting the highest mark in your class. studying should be driven by motivation to learn the knowledge and understanding it as it is not by the fear of failing your exam.

exam doesn't show somebody's true knowledge and performances because in certain people they have this super magical power to remember each and every word together with punctuation marks written in their textbook without even trying to understand it. they simply copied the whole text and imprint it into the frontal lobe of theirs and vomited it out on exam paper sheet. right after the exam, im pretty sure that 90% of them would stammered at the same question answered during the exam when asked .

and it is not fair to judge a person's wisdom solely by their exam result too. what if a brilliant student catches a fever the night before the exam and cant perform up to their maximum capacity because of physical hindrance? isn't that fallacious enough to assume that only straight A s students stand a great chance in ruling the world?isn't that illogical to see only high achievers are qualified of enrolling themselves into professional fields like medicine or engineering even without their interest.

in medicine, genius mind always comes second to diligence and passion. it is not the same as engineering field. here you don't need Albert Einstein's brain to become a great doctor. an average joe's will do if u have that passion and enthusiasm inside of u. but most of us think great result would makes a great doctor.that's why parents choose to send their brainy child for medicine or engineering course with delusion of these two jobs would meant sitting in a cozy room on that comfy chair waiting for the handsome paycheck every month. and i pity those parents who wants their child to take medicine course badly just to realize they have been fooled by a group of con men selling cheap medicine programme like a hotcakes at the end of the day.

the same thing goes to attendance. i don't think that an attendance system is necessary to determine whether or not a person is qualified to sit for an exam. you can lead a horse to a water but you cant force it to drink. same here, u know u can never inculcate that interest in student to learn the subject by dragging their asses to the class.

what good did it do if a student came only for the sake of attendance? other than making the lecturer irritated with these sleepy head students, you are also repressing the enthusiasm of other motivated student who came to learn by giving them an inconvenient fully-occupied lecture hall. in addition to that u are also wasting the time of the student who prefers to learn the subject by himself at home. now do u see how fucked up this system is?

so guys if u still think that exams n attendance system are good for your career health, keep on doing that untill u grow fatigue. coz in the end what matters are how u shape ur present life and how much u have equipped urself with what's necessary to face the real world. once u became a professional, people wont ask u how much As u have scored in your exam nor how much classes you've attended.

we will all hold the same degree and venture into the career we've been opting for. what differs us from each other is how fast we picked up the skill and improve ourselves for the better. and one day we'd be grateful with ourselves knowing that we can still become competent in what we are doing without having to let go the fun side of our lives. cheers.

jokes that aren't funny

women always love a man with a great sense of humor. that's an unwritten fact i picked somewhere along my way evolving myself into a mature adult woman. i myself would prefer someone funny and fun to be with rather than fucking a seriously serious dude. but BEHOLD and BEWARE guys, not all jokes are considered as funny from a girl's point of view. in addition to your failed attempt tickling her laughing center, u might also get your throat tickled by her feet. and maybe together with a bitch slap or two.

BODY

you can crack any jokes related to her deaf-inducing-laugh or turbo-like fart but trust me u cant do the same to her body figure. worst case scenario, you will get choked by her feet or maybe having her distancing herself for about a week if she's the kind of girl that never get used to merajuk lama2 la. really women are very particular about their body shape. a new fold in front or their abs can really cause a world's health problem to her. and if you are so ignorant to turn that into a joke u'll be a sorry man coz she will never get it.

"hey baby, u dh ade 2 tayar dah kat depan. klu i golekkan u kat bawah ni agak2 boleh x u guling2 macam tenggiling?"

see what i meant?

WEIGHT

weight is the most sacred number in woman's life other than their age. talking about age and body weight, woman usually prefers to keep it secret but if u happen to know these 2 numerical identities, then u must be someone that she trusted most, hence don't ever break it.

"yo ma gf is so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale"

u can try to be a funny ass by cracking a yo' momma joke in front of her if u feel like u have lived enough of your life.

ACNE

normally most women will have one or two eruptions every month due to our cyclical hormonal changes. so fyi gentlemen , acne is not really a teenager's problem coz if u have noticed, pre-menopausal women also faced the same problem. and yes that includes ur momma, your gf's mommah and even the MILFs out there. i do have eruptions every now and then and i admit i hate it when i have to go for a date everytime i have huge pimple(s) on my face. it's because my pimple has a predilection for the center of my forehead and when i talked to people, i felt like they were talking to my pimple rather than to myself. oh maybe my pimple was just trying to be friendly.

anyhow, my point is never ever make a joke out of it. its the "time" of the month and if u happened to have a gf or wife with severe PMS save yourself from getting a tantrum combo. coz everytime my bf tried to be funny like

"can u please put ur headlight on a low beam mode coz i cant stand the glare"

or calling me an ultrawoman for having a full blown reddish acne on my forehead, i was like

"HAHAHA, my god u should go for RAJA LAWAK audition for your incredible sense of humor u know."

and i cant help to feel like banging his head on that steering wheel so he can have that contrecoup effect to reposition his brain.

HERSELF AS A WHOLE

we were born with different features and some woman fell into beautiful category, some in mediocre and some are so-so. but beauty lies in the eye of beholder and my definition of beauty might or might not be the same as yours. u know women felt flattered if u say things like how attractive she is, cute and all and will try as much as they can to make it not obvious to you guys, or tries to deny it sometimes just to make sure you're not trying to be a charmer. but if u say things like

" ur face looked like a moon....LOLOLOLOLOL" or

"hi si dayang senandung~...hihihi....."

like REPEATEDLY hoping that she wont take it personally, u are seriously a terrible joker. u know women still can accept it if u crack it once or twice even if it holds truth in it. but if u have said it for the umpteenth times, even the most beautiful girl would suffer from what we called as insecurity or inferiority complex especially if u are someone who means a world to her.

see guys, women have the most tender heart, no matter how butch she is or how strong she acted in front of u deep inside she still want to be treated with care, love and affection, just like any other fragile woman. it's because women can never acted tough forever. at times she needs someone that she can manja with, talked to for hours to meet her biological needs, yes the fucking hormones. keep this little advice at the back of ur head so the next time u wanna try to be like Russle brand, u have this guide with u. for the time being, go polish ur flirting skill and upgrade your lame pick-up line coz acting monkey doesn't always work all the time.