you've just been bitch slapped! you are now officially my bitch. welcome to the B world.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

how to be a FB star?

hey guys.. so how long i've been ignoring my blog here? one week or two?

last time i remember talking a bit about instant celebrity in my tribute to p. ramlee post. well now i think that i would like to give away some tips on how to be a FB star without having to undergo the audition phase.


first of all, before you do anything, think like a star. but don't get too carried away. you are yet to be a FB star.

approve all the friend requests u have even though the profile name sounds like "boodak nuckal" and "lisa comey" type and do the favor by adding their friends back to get at least a total of 5438 friends.

act as if u have a bunch of fans in your friend's list. or else, it is advisable to think like all 4573 friends of yours are your die hard stalkers. when you have this with u, then i think u are ready to go.

FB status

change your facebook status every 3 minutes or so. dont let ur FB be a mundane one by flooding it with "barn buddy" or "restaurant city" type of statuses. your fans want to know more about yourself, your life, and what revolves around u, not the goddamm crops u've been working on or missing cows u have found.

u dont know what to update?

its okay, dont crack that little brain of yours. a simple "hye good morning people" would do. u can tweak it accordingly depending upon the time u go "on air" .

act like u are a concerned prime minister in the next minutes asking the health of his taxpayer by simply putting " apekhabar semua org hariniii?????sihat ke x?" in your status update.

tips : remember to address your fans dearly. add a smiley at the end of the sentence to tell them how u feel.

u can also say something that's not worth to mention at all like "bosannnnnnnnnnnyeee" or "..............................." but trust me your dear fan out there are really happy with it. that way they will know that u are currently online and thus can have a FB chat with their idol. if u are single, this is the best time to get hooked up with someone u have been stalking since forever.

relationship status

you are the hottest man or woman on earth no doubt. remember this. due to that u might want to let ur fans know ur current relationship status. u have just dated an osem Mc'd delivery boy last 32 minutes. let the world know. change it to "in a relationship". tell the frustrated pervert (whom u have approved randomly) that u are now taken and have found the love of your life, that you will no longer be able to entertain their lonely little dick.

if u happened to have a fight with your boy, MAKE SURE that ur tittle is no longer "in a relationship" change it to "its complicated". u might be having comments flooding in asking u why this and that. don't get panicked, you are actually on the right track. deal with them wisely. let the comments raised upto hundreds if possible. that will get u noticed way much easier as it will appear on your fan's homepage as their top stories. u will be known among ur new fans in no time.

u might want to change your status back to "single " again just to see how much have been hitting on you, whom also have a pair of undescended testes to make a move. be prepared to have comments like " wow, dah single ke? boleh la tackle ni?" they might have the lamest pickup line u have ever imagined, but don't think too much of that. this is the time to get noticed. tell them u just love the way they flirts and all. this way they will keep commenting on your status and voila, it appears in your friend's homepage again. remember to treat your fans equally and make them feel that all of them have a fair chance to win your heart.

plus point : a face as sexy-bitchy-naughty-me as megan fox's with pamela's bust.

tweak it : add cute giggles like "hikhikhik ^_^" at the end of ur comments to show the true feminine part of yours coz i have never seen a guy dated pengkid.

i think thats all for now. i'm being quite unfair to the other gender i know. but dont worry ,i 'll come up with some more tips for the bloke out there in my next post later.

till then, good luck and have a safe sex everyone.HAHA

Thursday, September 9, 2010

raya dtg lagi.

i think right now everyone is busy preparing themselves for tomorrow's eid. those yg x busy pon akn buat2 nmpk busy doing nothing so that the makciks would not accuse them of being a lazy ass especially the girls sbb the guys usually do nothing. they spent their time watching forum raya kt tv or tgk cite pontianak harun sundal malam kt astro while the aunties and sistah tang tung ting kat dapor. this is actually the part which i detest most. org melayu selalu sexist. asl nama ko tu pompuan keje ko duduk dapor jadi hamba abdi. lelaki pulak keje besarkan telo. if dulu2 this is acceptable la gak sbb ppuan2 zaman dulu xkluar bekerja so duduk umah pon xbuat ape mengangkang layan laki je. but now almost every women earn their own pocket money, and lelaki plak buat2 xreti nk bg nafkah kat bini lagi pegi joli dgn betina laen ade. pastu balik umah budget mcm bos besar xnk tlg buat keje umah even nk mkn pon klu boleh nk suh si bini suap. bangang &#%@(@)# tutttt..

eh ter emo plak. kn dh lari tajuk.

slalu time2 raya mcm ni aku dh balik kampong and salunye waktu ideal for driving is around 1-2 pg sbb time tu tak jam. my dad mmg xpenah drive balik kampong time broad daylight.. the journey to kg will take around 1-2 hours je and so ktrg akn smpi pagi2 in which that time sumerang tgh tdo. nenek aku mmg dh taw sgt perangai my dad ni n so she will ask my dad nk balik bile n standby tido2 ayam bile taw ktrg nk balik so that xdelah aku end up tdo dgn ayam2 die kat luar tu. and mase time ktrg balik tu besenye all the cousins mmg dh ade kt kg. so maybe my dad nk buat magic copperfield die bgn pagi2 je die dh ade tdo sbelah pakcik aku biar pakcik aku klu tiap2 tahun camtu magic ke?

bangun pagi adalah bende palinggggg malassssss kat kg sbb org2 tua ni kan suka bgn pagi. so budak2 yg x bgn pagi pon kene gak bangun pagi cover line depan sedara handai. cume org2 kental mcm aku jek yg xnk gak bgn n sanggup jadi org nomad pindah from bilik ke bilik everytime kene ambush gn the makciks including maam besar that is mak aku. bilik kat kg2 salunye mmg bnyk and so with the bantal n tilams. klu rasa2 nk nmpk invisible aku akn buat bntal tu mcm benteng pertahanan susun tgi2 pastu tdo kt the other side so dorang xpasan.

salunye buat keje ni bukan aku sorang tp gn my true accomplice iaitu abg aku. oh die lagi kental smpi kene pulas telinga suh bgn pon die boleh lagi xsedar. bebal sgt dh telinga tu agaknye. tp xbest geng gn abg aku sbb die laki. papehal pon mesti aku kene perambat dulu suh bgn sbb org tua kata ank dara xelok bgn tgh hari. tah dari mana2 je dorang petik sumber ni. what does a man has that a woman doesn't that has anything to do with waking up late. sumpah xpaham. yg xbest sbb my cousin ni pon jenis bgn awal gak kt kg so theres no way la my mom akn diamkn je ank die tdo ke tgh hari. die xtaw padahal budak2 ni same je mcm ank2 die.

bile dh bgn tu they wont just leave me alone la. xde mananye ko boleh besandar senang lenang tgk dragon ball Z pas mandi tu. kene tlg org2 kat dapor tu ok. klu ko tgk tv automatik title anak dara sejati hilang mcm tu jek. oh klu xtlg kt dapor pon kene la tlg kemas2 depan ke ape kang nnt org nk dtg beraya plak. nnt klu xtlg mak aku start la ceramah ehwal islam die.

"anak si mektam tu elokkkkk jek aku tgk bangun pagi trus tlg kemas depan basuh baju sume. ko ni dh la bgn pon lmbt pastu xreti nk tlg2 plak tu."

"tu anak mektam mak, anak mama org laen."

aku kdg mls nk amek port. tp mak aku mmg jenis persistent ckp bnyk2 kali mmg boleh jadi tertanggal telinga ko kalau dngar die membebel. so sbb mls nk dgr aku pon bgn la. tp xbuat keje pon aku akn makesure aku mcm busy dgn pegi ulang alik from dapur ke depan. if org sebok2 kt kt dapor aku akn dok dpan , klu org kt depan aku g dapor. that way ppl will think yg aku tgh kt depan tlg kemas2 and vice versa. klu 22 ade org kite masuk bilik, cari port sesuai dan smbg tdo anda. HAHA.

erm balik kampong mmg best tp antara yg xbest part nk tlg masak2 and layan guest. tah sape2 je dtg pastu tny

" ni ke ank ko miah? eh dh besar panjang yg baya si zaid kan. cantik molek dh besar eh. dulu kecik smemeh je aku tgk. "

dan2 bile die ckp camtu aku automatik idung kembang kempis control ayu kot2 ank die tu hensem belaka baru balik blaja kt obersea n kebetulan maknye tu tgh cari2 menantu . tak nak la nnt orang kata melepas plak. hakhak.

actually bnyk je mnde2 yg aku xsuke time raya tp layankan saje sbb time raya ni la kite bleh kaut untung duit raya sebanyak yg boleh. harhar. tp raya kali ni xbest for me sbb i dont feel like celebrating eid at all. no baju raya, no kasut raya, kuih raya, no nothing. maybe btul la kata orang raya ni bile dh maken besar maken xbest. paling xbest mestila dh xdpat duit rayaaaa...lagi kene bg kt orang ade.huwarrghhh bencinye. =_=

ok lah, pnjang lak mmbebel. happy eid to all from Pn B dan suami.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A tribute to P. Ramlee

emak : mat, ekau abes blaja nanti nk buat ape? pi la cari keje sane. dok ngabehkan boraih yo.

mat : mat igt nk pindah kolumpo la mak try ujibakat yg cari bintang pelem tu. ade rezeki boleh jadi pemes ganti Allayrham P. ramlee tu. hebat eh die tu mak, serba serbi boleh.

so peeps, do you familiar with this kind of dialog? well i think almost all 80's or 90's malay film will sort of have this conversation in their hero's script. majority of them will want to migrate to the town to try the luck with their talent and this is put forth just to show u guys how hard the oldfags artist works just to be in the entertainment field and mind u that their talents were no match to most artist's we have right now. the former are still be remembered till this very moment albeit they no longer exist in this world.

if we were to compare them with current situation, its far more easier for the newfags to gain their entry to this entertainment world. they don't need to leave their homeland to join an audition since the organizer will make a tour to every city to search for the new talent. and if they are lucky enough then they might have to leave their kampong to be in an academy mengecap kejayaan yg tak berapa hangat, walhal hangat tahi ayam di kampongnye adalah lebih memberansangkan. big thanks to AF, Mystarz LG, Mentor, OIAM and whatnot.

i remember back then when i was an innocent pretty little girl i adore Allahyarham Tan Sri P Ramlee so much that i repeatedly watched his films and movies produced by him. he really had a great sense of humor that even you have heard he cracked the same damn joke for the umpteenth times you can still laugh your ass off at it. it holds true for some otai-otai lama yg obviously enjoying A.R Tompel's uneven teeth way much than watching Cecupak's lame ass.

god bless him

today's proclaimed entertainers are seen not because of their insignificant talent but rather their gay looks, fasha-jejai like controversies and to some extent their decent family background like Mawi the "world". for fuck sake their families pon leh jd public figure. not to mention the failed one yg melukut di tepi gantang mcm Syura, Zarina Ann julie, and artis mee segera zahid, zarina *just to name few sbb gua mmg xlayan AF* yang belom pon mati lagi org dh start lupe2 tengik mereka itu artis.

He (Allahyarham) on the other hand was not just a great comedian but also a hell of a singer, musician, actor and dancer. *ok dancer tu tipu* he was so damn good at acting that i used to let my precious one in a million teardrop fall while watching "ibu mertuaku" . HAHA. well at least it was sad enough for a 9 year- old girl to shed her tears. forgiven ar gua perempuan hati lembut bai.kakaka.

while artis skrg plak jgn nak kata depa ni multitalented, nyanyi lagu twinkle2 little star pon sumbang lagi tp dh try dunia lakonan plak. but its ok. they might as well cater enough supply for prof abdul razak mohaideen in his next "Anak Mami the Movies 3456 " sequel. in fact, seeing them acting stiffer than Optimus Prime is indeed a tear inducer for me. and i think Lisa Suriani was pretty talented at that . HAHA *sorry Lisa lovers* well that explains why i'd never waste my MYR 8 for malay movies in cinema these days unless proven worthwhile.

ps : kantoi gua suke baca gossip artis. HAHAHA.

Friday, September 3, 2010

when i grow up!

i supposed everyone has a dream job during childhood and i believe very few then got their dreams come true.. most people had more than a dream job in their lives . that's because as we grew older we learnt how to meticulously choose our path in life . so here aku nk share with u guys my dream job mase kecik2. buckle up people!

the first one was....


oh mase kecik sgt suke berangan jadi teacher sbb rasa mcm they are totally gorgeous. above picture is the best epitome of what i had imagined back then. time berangan tu i will put my glasses on and carry few files on my hands buat2 busy kehulu kehilir wearing high heels.. and that time my students were my childhood friends yg bile aku rase mls nk jadi teacher dorang akan bertukar plak jadi cikgu aku. another reason sbb aku suke menulis kt blackboard is aku rasa my handwrtiting mcm cantik giler biler guner chalk as compared to using pencil.

tapi dh besar baru sedar aku xsesuai jadi cikgu sbb aku klu ajar org pastu die xpaham2 gak boleh mendatangkan marah. cube imagine klu aku dpt students yg bebal lambat pick up. boleh bertukar jadi supersaya kt depan tu gaknye. kan dh laen dgn what i had imagined so far. xbleh dh nk jadi cikgu gojes. so xpelah i pick another job.

there you go..

A singer

hoyeahh this one mmg aku suke dari kecik. sbb aku mmg suke menyanyi. tempat favourite dlm toilet n depan kipas sbb bile ade echo2 suara mcm lagi sedap. dan dan. oh kawan aku pon penah bg tips gak klu korg nk nyanyi sedap nyanyi slow2 je mcm guner suara dari perut gitu.jgn guner suara asli tekak korg tu sbb nnt kantoi suara garau cam maknyah. aku xtaw la btul ke x sbb aku xguner suara perut pon dh abes sedap. muahahaha.

oh mase kekecik salu gak pegi join nyanyi sana sini masuk bintang tah hape2. time tu mcm xrasa segan ke ape sbb kecik lagi kan nk control ayu lelebih sgt pon boobs baru2 nk tumbuh, muka plak berkerak so toksah berangan la org nk ngorat ko.haha. tp biler dh besar2 mcm segan plak nk perform depan audience yg ramai tu. dh klu segan nk nyanyi dpn org kejadah anda la nk jadi penyanyi plak kan. xkn nk pki topeng transformers mase nyanyi. so aku pon start berangan job laen plak.

ya betul! radio deejay!

rasa nk jadi deejay ni started when i was in high school lagi since i think it suits me sbb aku agak talkative and i have great passion for music. advantage being a radio deejay is that u dont even have to reveal yourself. takyah susah2 nk rembat topeng transformers adek saya. pastu senang je keje die bgn2 tido xsikat rambut pon boleh trus keje. pastu bebel lah ko smpi ke pagi. klu jadi singer kene touch up lubang2 kat muka, pki fake eyelash, buat rambut bagai.. ahh malas malas.

pastu the part that i like most about this job is ko bleh mengarut sesuka hati. klu dh bosan putar lagu2 Mawi or Justin Bibir kite bleh je try buat konsert sndiri kt konti. so u can be both, a singer and deejay. kan best tu .pastu sume pendengar ko lari.haha. ok one more thing yg best is boleh interact dgn ur listeners pastu boleh la kite buat slot keluh kesah bersama kak esah plak.

caller : kak esah, i ni boleh dikatakan cantik rupa paras, body meletop, n masalah i skg ni i pelik la kenapa i still tidak jumpe cinta sejati even dh bertahun2 i try cari.

me : oh yeke? mungkin cik adik ni terlalu memilih orangnye.

caller : no kak esah, i memang bukan jenis mcm tu kayy. i pernah jumpe bnyk guys tetapi tak tahan lama. and i selalu gk try to make a move tp everytime i try approach jejaka tersebut mesti dorang xlayan.dorang mcm akan cepat2 blah camtu. tolonglah kak esah oi. stress taw i.

me : eh kenapa macam tu sekali. awak sure ke awak ni cantik?pki deoderant tak before that?

caller : kuang ajau gak kau ni esah. mak pkai deodarant sebotol la nyah! tu pelik tu.

me : erk mcm ni la cik pemanggil.i think what u really need is vaginoplasty.

huhu.. berangan lagi.. ok jadi dj mmg best. sbb aku rs keje die simple. bleh glamor tanpa kompromi.haha. nk gelemer je keje kau kan. tp sbb nk jadi dj ni gak telah membuatkn aku fail medical school interview. demit. haha. nnt bebiler aku rajin aku tulis psl interview tu rite. skg dh pnt n nk tdo. tata.

ps: luper nk bgtaw sume impian di atas tak kesampaian. aku bukanlah seorang guru, seekor penyanyi hatta sebuah dj sekali pon. huhu.

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