you've just been bitch slapped! you are now officially my bitch. welcome to the B world.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

wanita cantik di sini

lately my ghey meter fluctuates real bad. it's heading to north more often than the south. i spent my time on the net mostly searching for the hot woman apart from FB, FB, and FB, yes of course i am a girl lover. if i were a man i know that i would be a great lover. LOL. alrite without further ado, lets roll at what my favorite girl looks like.

my kind of girl always represents these qualities,

1. tanned skin

because i think fair skinned women are slightly overrated. some people with white complexion doesn't always look good with a dark skin. but if a tanned skin woman manage to grab your attention at the first sight, then she will definitely look beautiful if she were white too. rarely white girl comes with a flawless skin. most of them will have so much freckles over their face and neck. that's another reason why i fancy tanned skin woman.

2. long wavy black hair

i like it black coz it will accentuate a girl's tanned look. it looks healthy too. and long wavy is definitely so much sexier than the super straight ones which gave her a more natural look.

3. fine curves

girl with a right amount of adipose tissue on the right place is always the girl of both dry and wet dreams. while skinny seems friable to hold on to.

4. beautiful teeth

coz it'll look good if paired with a lovely smile on that face. speaking of which, crooked teeth is always a major turn off for me no matter how cute your smile is.

5. pointed nose

i simply love them. might be because i don't have one. HARHAR

and here are the epitome of what i've listed earlier just now.

kim kardashian

her jugs are just amazing. so does her face.

sarah shahi

the real hottie in L word. i love her most when she's gay.LOL

eva mendes

she's just amazingly beautiful

nicole shcherzinger

cant get enough of her well-toned body

vanessa hudgens

my favourite fashion idol

hey beautiful girls, lets have a date. :)

credit : google image.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

branded stuff

i was browsing through a picture tagged by a friend of mine on facebook. it was a handful collection of replica watches of which grade im not sure. if im not mistaken it was from Inda Bain Shoppe something like that. they sell designer's stuff at a rock bottom price and got a discount also, buy 2 items and they rounded it to rm100. they got Guess, Gucci, Chanel and Tag hueier included in their collection. its really a bargain though. but im not here to promote their products and i didn't earn a penny from the above statement, so u can continue reading this. also no nuffnang attached below this post.

i always had a thing for branded stuff when i was still having the teen angst back then. since we were not allowed to wear an avant garde attire in school other than a plain white and blue kurung uniform, the choices for wearing cool branded stuff to school and become the trendsetter was very limited, not to say that i was one back then coz i wasnt. so basically the bags and shoes that you wore were the first thing they used to look at as a yardstick to categorize you into different strata in school. say if you wore branded bags or shoes as in converse *yes they were very popular back then* or a fancy Roxy bag then you are one hella cool fellas. but if u were seen hitching a Swan or Bata bag here and there then you will fall into the kind of people with IQ exceeding their weight. get what i mean? no? congratulations u just became one. LOL

my parents did not practise spoil-the-child-with-lotsa-money type of parenting and earning my very own pocket money is what i did everytime i needed what i want. i did not work nor take a part time job for that but i always had to save the money given by them for the things that i want and buying branded stuff for me needs a lot more than just determination. in the end it felt good as it has taught me the real meaning of satisfaction and self actualization*wtf?* for being able to starve just to have a cool sneakers as my school shoes.

i remember having to incur around rm 200 for a leather Jack Purcell shoes that i wore for merely 2 months as i was obliged to wear a black shoes after moving to a boarding school. it was a total waste and i still have it in my shoe rack which i planned to give it to my lil bro. i also did spend so much on bags, socks and other unnecessary things which were ridiculously overpriced. i realized now that a school age girl should not spend too much or be conscious about how they look just to be like others. i admit that i was one of the victim of mass media advertorials and the product of world's materialism.

the very cause of my bankruptcy

but im glad that i had pass my teen age and learnt from that mistake. i am no longer a person who sees the brand tag as a primary reason for me to buy things neither the one who grabs branded stuff blatantly. i'd rather buy a cheap one who meets my criterion perfectly than having a designer clothing that looks ridiculous on me. and i do not need a designer dress that would costs me my 10-months allowance which i obviously wear once or twice with nobody had any idea about it. im pretty sure some will think that its not about showing it off to other people but more to your ultimate satisfaction for being able to buy and have it on your body but believe me its a total bullshit if u said u dont want other people to know that u are wearing designer's collection after spending almost 10k dollars on it coz im pretty sure even the film stars would want them to be recognized. i have seen my friend bought 400bucks dorothy perkin dress which i think i can get the same damn thing for Rm49.90 at most minus the brand tag. it was so simple and i swear it did look like a maternal wear to me. seriously not a value for money.

i've also learnt how to prioritize my money by not spending it so much on unnecessary things. i am no longer tempted to buy a gadget just because it is the in thing and everyone has it in their pocket. its practicality is what matters to me and now i am surprised to see how it has got me thinking from months to years just to buy a phone with endless list of pros and cons comparing one another i'd made. and now i have successfully become one choosy bitch.

some people really go to the extent of having a branded replica even with hideous designs just to feel good about themselves. i would rather go unnoticed if i were to have a replica stuff with me. frankly speaking, i really have prada and chanel replica handbag with me which i bought 2years back because i was so stupid to fall into their lucrative "branded stuff for sale" tagline held annually at a very convincing place. i should have known that nobody sells Prada handbag for MYR 300 except for a fake one. see i can be fooled easily when u put that "sale" signboard on. i don't wanna be like the MLM arseholes who claimed to have the latest BMW models posing next to a bunch of money scattered on their bed when they obviously have a lot of pending bills to pay. u knew it very well its a borrowed car unless u settled all the bank loan u've made.

for me if you are great in whatever you do and possess that outstanding charisma you don't need branded stuff to enhance your look of feel good about yourself. i believe that the most stylish person is always the one who managed to walk with confidence on anything they put on.

p/s: think i sounded like a person trying to write personal statements for executive job resume. did i?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

women are the greatest impostor

when a friend of mine told me that he had lose hope in love because he said that all girls are liar, i was taken aback at his generalization while attempted to defend this venus species. then i realized at some point that i have nothing strong to brought into this argument and i just couldn't agree more with what he said. this is because women are indeed a greatest liar when it comes to their physical appearance.

lets start it off from the head.

1. hair

not all of us u have met so far kept our hair in their original state yes of course u knew that. some are dyed, some are being rebonded and some are getting it curled also. rarely u will find us with a perfect long super straight black silky hair. yes im talking about the mongoloids, if ur girl is a caucasian descendant please ignore this. we were blinded by the shampoo advertorials that tells us everyday girls with smooth silky super straight hair are beautiful while those with frizzy hair doesn't.

sometimes we rather opt for a better deceitful idea by wearing a wig and mind u wigs nowadays are hard to differentiate from the genuine one as some of them are made up of real human hair. now tell me are u certain enough that the woman u are currently going out with isn't bald or have a very limited strands of hair hanging precariously on her head? so guys now u know our very own secret of having a thick and flawless hair.

2. eyes

fake eyelashes are now epidemics. just go to the mall and u can see their ubiquity. wearing fake eyelashes can enhance our look exponentially. say if we have those squinty eyes, falsies cover it up almost successfully particularly those with bushy lashes. now have u ever wondered why rozita cik wan never let those falsies off her eyes? she is actually having a squinted eyes and thus had opt for a much cheaper non surgical method for a cover up. LOL

stunning eyes aren't they?

look at the eyes closely fellas

3. breasts

we know guys always had a thing for breasts and we always tried our best to make it look appealing to your pervertible eyes . but i dun feel like talking about the boob job we've been adopting as the famous breast enhancement trick here, coz we knew it's impossible for u guys to strip our shirt off and lift the breasts just to see the implant's scar to ascertain the D cup originality. you might feel that u were the lucky one for having one of us as with bust like keely hazel as ur gf but little did u know about the simple trick we had put on since your first date with us. come on, get out from that little cocoon of yourself and get to know how underwire and push-up bra works which we presume most guys did a very good homework back then. and did you know that a simple adhesive tape placed on the upper part of the breasts would give our saggy breasts a booblift? what an invention!

4. nipple

did you get sexcited easily everytime u watch a us walking with our nips erected underneath the white shirt? well before u waste that jizz on your pants we suggest u to hold it on for a sec and pat on your back if u are able to do so guys. it's because u had succesfully saved some viable sperms from jerking off to that stick-on nipple prosthesis which gave us that perky look.

cool huh?

5. abs

we didn't use makeup just for the face but also as a mean to fake a toned look of our abs. this is however wont work well on an abs with a size of lorry tyre of course. shading both the sides of our abs can give a slimmer and sexier look. *go youtube it for a proper tutorial ladies and fool the guys all you want*

6. hymen

yes u read it right guys. not only we had sex before u came into our lives, we also have an artificial hymen just to make u feel good about yourself on our first sex. aint that superhuman enough for being able to become a virgin again? if we cant be certain about ur virginity then neither do u. now that's a fair world we live in isn't it..LOL.

marry in confidence, keep your secret.

see the truth? women are really a great impostor. so ladies, next time a guy called u a liar, smile and walk graciously at his compliment coz what he really meant is you are a stunner and he's a fool for trusting u blatantly.

p/s: guys dated the right girl always end up having neurogenic shock in the morning for waking up beside the left girl.

from awful to awesome piglet

Friday, November 19, 2010

zaman sekolah part 2

continue from last post.

ok so sebenarnye i really dunno what happened to cendawan's baju. i just hope she got the message that we were all raging over her hostile attitude. i know that i looked mean enough for treating a decent looking woman like her that way but believe me back then everybody agreed with me unanimously that her attitude and appearance don't walk hand in hand. so that makes me a little less guilty for what i've done.

2. the makcik dewan selera (DS)

i dunno why i always had a bad history with them and establishing a good rapport with them makciks is undeniably my greatest failure . it goes without saying that when u have a good relationship with somebody you'll be the one who get the most benefit out of it. and i always have to be the unlucky one who will never get the excess food into my tummy since all of it will go to the prefect2 dan konco konconya yg mmg baek dgn makcik DS.

therefore in order to make my stomach a happy sac, one more time i have to be a little brainy. DS kitorang salunye mlm2 xlock just die rapatkan pintu je so the seniors had the idea of stealing the food from the DS while the makcik were soundly asleep and asked us to join them. not a great idea though sbb mlm2 there's not much food to munch except the fruits they have left outside for tomorrow's lunch, but ok la kan its better than nothing. that time klu igt balik memang dh mcm beruk2 buas pon ade since we had to climb onto the counter in order to get ourselves into the kitchen and pass the fruits among us out of it. most of the time buah yg ade just pisang and tembikai je and if we're lucky enough we'd get apples or honeydews as habuan. u are allowed to imagine yourself looking at a signboard reading "apes at work" to have a better picture on how we had it all done back then.

but siapa tahu perut xpenah kenal erti malam or siang klu nk lapar. yg die tau die senang hati mknan sentiasa ade, especially during tea time whereas most of the time a piece of pisang goreng or karipap with teh O weren't much of a help to a tummy like mine. sbb lapar punye pasal, kitorang pon terpaksa guna idea jahanam semata mata nk dapatkn extra 2 pieces of karipap or pisang goreng even under makcik DS's supervision.

so tgh2 makcik endon tu sibuk discuss pasal nk balik batam cuti sekolah akn datang, my friend si ayu pon senyap2 curi the kuih from the counter while i took the role being the onlooker giving her signs when to make her move.

pelan projek kami

1st attempt : successful

so there u go, one karipap went into her mouth.

2nd attempt : successful

and another one went into mine

on 3rd attempt

while we were laughing our ass off on how easily we owned the makciks by our simple trick, we heard a very familiar voice

"woit si pencurikkkk!! kau buat apaaaa haa???aku bilang sama warddennya nnt. aku kenal sama muka kau yg tompok2 tu. awas kau yaa!!"


aku dgn ayu punye lari mmg dh xcukup tanah dh time tu. cuak gak kalau makcik tu tetibe baling senduk ke periuk ke kat kepala kitorang. kene panggil dgn warden belakang kira yg penting kene selamatkan diri dari lembu yg tgh mengamuk tu dulu ok.

tapi few days later after that incident sebenarnye xde plak ktrg kene panggil dgn warden ke ape. maybe die mls nak layan pencurik xprofessional mcm kitorang ni. stakat berjaya curi 4 karipap ape la sangat. klu jual baru dapat rm1.50. nk beli spender giant selai pon xlepas.

moral of the story:

never ever let a person with obvious identification mark(s) be your partner in crime. it was my mistake for choosing ayu with her pox-scarred face as my accomplice. next time u wanna do it, think of this fatal consequences. you surely don't wanna end up waking up on a hospital bed.

to be continued...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

zaman sekolah part 1

so far what is the most unforgettable memory u all has had that even when your Alzheimer's strikes it'd fail to erase it.mine are the memories that i had during my primary school. sbb time ni org kata baru nk naik n this is the crucial time where ppl say that u are in search of your true identity, try to build your own circle of friends and whatnot.

ok, masa primary school dulu aku skolah kt skolah perempuan di jb. being in girls school was the best experience i've ever had. i can be categorized as those lunatics yg mmg susah nk duduk diam2 kat skolah follow the rules. life was so easy back then for a lower form students like me. i didnt know what love is, never bothered to struggle in exams, stayed in hostel which means far away from my overprotected daddy. so i was pretty much a person with no problems at all. and that really triggered my mind to get a little bit creative with the person who messed with this bitch. haha. so kat sini aku nk enlistkan antara enemy2 aku kt hostel yg pernah diperdajalkn oleh diri ini suatu masa dulu. ENJOY..

let us start with orang2 tua dulu ok.

1. the warden

the warden was my prime enemy because she's always the one that can never let me have my ultimate freedom bilamana aku tgh stress. i've been fried under the sun coz i always late for school, dihambat from my room sbb tido time prep yada yada yada. haha but i dun mind really coz i knw the mistakes i made were non-negotiable ones.

but then i was really mad when one fine day she rampas my soflan-washed jemuran for days just because i hung it dekat dawai2 divider asrama tu. u know peeps, duduk asrama mmg fenomena biasa bile ampai bertali penuh all the time especially time weekend. so i had no other choice except from hanging it there but then bile aku balik petang after class i saw my baju2 gantung sume dh xde. when i asked everyone, the prefects told me that cendawan* dh rampas baju bdk2 yg gantung kat dawai tu. wtf? so i knocked her door from minutes to hours but nobody answered. next day still the same xde org bkk gak. 3rd day shes still messing with me untill 4th day she gave us our clothes.

that time mmg dh agak berapi sbb baju dh abes busuk and all coz xkering n then campur dgn baju tah sape2 lagi smpi mine siap bertahi lalat. euwwwww, i geli ok u olls. dah la aku ketuk pintu ko buat pekak je. pastu ko nk kenekan denda lagi satu helai baju bayar singgit. klu spenda gn bra dapat diskaun xpela kepala time tu dh start simpan dendam kesumat nk show her la konon2 i rule this place. hahaha.

org kata darah dibalas darah, so baju dibalas baju la fo sho . fyi, cendawan selalu sidai baju2 die kat luar pintu. jadi, inilah masanyaaa.. so me with the crew pon start la bancuh air dan watercolor yg beraneka warna. pastu ktrg buat air watercolor tadi tu mcm soflan rendam kn baju die then sidai balik. sekali tgk mmg macam turun kaler pon ade. dua kali tgk korang boleh nmpk muka aku tgh buat evil smile kat atas baju die. ngahahaha.. isokay, baju ko jadi kaler lain je cendawan, xbusuk n bertahi lalat pon kan. tu sbb aku kesian sket kat kau. klu aku kejam aku dh gune sewage water je buat jadi soflan.

oo lagi satu, cendawan dan rakan2nye mmg baek hati dan bijak bistari letak kasut2 high heels dieorang kat luar. n then kawan2 aku yg bijak2 biawak ni pon buat2 lah kasut die mcm kasut keluarga angkat siap guna pakai gi outing. aku xpakai sbb jiwa rock sejati masih menebal tatkala itu. LOL . then the next monday ktrg kene sound dgn pengetua kat assembly sbb kami mmg dilarang sama sekali melawa klu keluar outing, kene pakai kasut hitam flat je. eleh takut kitorang lagi cantik dari die la tu. haha.

footnote :

kenapa cendawan? kenapa bukan keropok.

ade nmpk pape yg same x?hahaha..
ok,jgn salahkan aku, salahkn kawan aku yg bagi nama kat warden tu. aku xtaw pape. so nk mintak maap awal2, peace. hehe

oo ape jadik kat baju cendawan tu eh? nantikan sambungannya.. aku dh penat menaip.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Read my lips : READ

i cant help to adore people who can actually finishes at least 500++ pages of any kind of books coz i know i can never finish that even in their best longest time. being a bookworm really is just not me. i took days to finish one page and am not kidding ya' all nor trying to exaggerate it. i get distracted easily especially reading something with no interesting colorful pictures and loads loads loads of history.

so when people can't keep their eyes from what they read when everybody was busy talking among themselves over their shoulder i think they really are superhuman. no im not talking about those who reads with their ears plugged by ipod, im talking bout this human species with impending extinction who seems to live in their own world when they started to read. seriously shit they still exist and i met their kind once when i was in MRSM Muar back then. no wonder he was the top scorer for our school.

i cant remember the last time when i really enjoy indulging myself with books. clearly i was not born with this laziness so u obviously cant blame my genes. i used to be so readerholic that i read almost everything that ever crossed my eyes be it labels, signboards, your name tag, and even gibberish excerpts i found in the garbage bin. sometimes i even have to close my eyes thinking that my obsession towards textual matter is inevitable. damn, never knew my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder starts that young.

i reckon my brain is just being tired and sick of all the words right now that it has started to shut down some of his faculty. besides having an attention deficit disorder i have also started to notice myself having short term amnesia and that sucks big time especially when i needed it the most since i love getting myself lost in almost all the places i went.

ok sincerely i haven't finish reading even quarter of the book i bought last two weeks. and i dunno why the fish did i buy that book when last year's book is still on my bookshelf laying helplessly untouched.

BUT, lately i kinda proud of myself coz i had successfully finish reading almost all Dan Brown's book borrowed from my friend. i dunno how that happens and i found it miraculous.


and these are the reason why i BORROWED your book and never bought it myself dear friend. I hope i made myself clear. sumpah saya bukan kedekut.


Monday, November 8, 2010

annoying stuff u'll find in reunion

dah besar2 mcm ni mmg biasa kite akan dapat invitation for reunion dengan old classmates or schoolmates lama. and salunye plan reunion tu klu xmakan masa berbulan2 memang tak sah sbb sume pon bizi . so kalo jumpe 2org je as long as ex schoolmate pon nk gak ckp mende tu reunion. ok to cut long story short aku nk list down sket perangai2 mereka yg sungguh shitness time2 reunion ni.

The smokers

i ve been a regular secondary smokers since 5 tahun lagi sbb my dad mmg core habitual smokers and dulu2 die mmg suke smoke dalam rumah smpi smua spesis aedes pupus dek hembusan rokok bapakku itu. and my brother pon dh smoke since i was 8 and that pretty much explains y i hate smokers. if u smoke sebatang dua time2 tgh lepak as well as have your senses intact by not puffing the smoke to your friend's face, then i think its tolerable especially after mkn. i totally understand that. tp klu dlm masa berborak 4 jam tu 3 minitt je aku tgk ko bukak mulut xberkuap2 dengan asap that really annoys me to death ok. and lepas tu ko xreti plak nk sembur asap rokok tu kat tmpt lain other than my face, god are u trying to be david copperfield? did u see my broad nose transformed into Jacko's after the smoke disappeared?coz i must say that aint cool at all.

last time aku lepak gn the girlfriends ade one of them mmg core smokers. last time i went to see her she was still struggling with holding the cigarette in a smoker's way and now she smokes like a tranny. lepak with me 3 jam almost habes 2 kotak and she smoked menthol, Marlboro . so i was wondering why wasting so much on menthol when a pack of Dunhill can still gives u the same stoned and deleterious effects? are you a poser?

The phone addicts

these are the types of people who eats with their phone, sleeps with their phone and have a reunion with their freaking phones. u nuts, if u want to come to a reunion and then just sit there sexting your girlfriend might as well just stay in the loo. well at least u can fap your penis out without us having to look at your horny face. whats the point of gathering anyway if u cant keep your phone off for a while. retardo!

The posers

ni adalah the major group that constitutes the annoying ppl in reunion and the most repugnant of all. they can be so expressive and subtle at times and thus a very skillful mind is required to detect them. the expressive type can be such as:

"korang nk tgk i phone 4 aku baru beli smlm kat pasar siti khadijah tak?

sambil keluarkn iphone 4 dari pocket sluar belah kiri jeans.

"serious cool weh die punye features boley track bape bnyk daun kari ade kat selonggok sayur makcik tu jual! that's tripple osem!"

this type of ppl ssh nk cari skg sbb ini mcm obvious giler ko nk brag dgn tepon baru kau. only 10-yo minded ppl je yg still practising the same lame trick.

the subtle type:

"teettt tetttt"

bunyi msg masuk. lepas reply msg die letak je phone atas meja xmasuk dlm pocket trus tunggu org tegur enpong die. then aku pon start pancing gn ayat manis

"wahh hp baru sial. iphone 4 lagi. mane lu angkat ni?kaya dow ko skg.."

si dia menjawab

" hehe biasa je bro.. aku angkat hp ni sbb BB bold aku dh rosak. aku igt nk angkat BB torch haritu tp mcm nk tukar selera la plak asek angkat BB je kite terai angkat iphone plak. "

so Einstein, can u retrieve the true meaning this fellah is trying to convey?

The westerners

these people mostly adalah those yg have had a rapid change of lifestyle. dari bertudung bawal ke mini skirt, and from loose boot cut jeans to hot pants. ever seen this kind person? what ? your bestfriend ?

i never failed to cringe everytime i had to have a reunion with this kind of people. u knew them from womb and u have seen much of them evolving themselves into an adult and suddenly when u saw this changes within 2 years span of time u cannot stop shaking your goddam head telling yourself that this is just not her.

imagine 2 years back u heard her saying that she will never sip even 0.00001% alcohol contained beverages and now in her right state of mind she's telling you that even 2 jugs of beer failed to make her drunk. she even admitted to me that she's taking weed on a daily basis now and starts taking craps on how she took it in her "bahasa rempit" that i could not fathom.

i've seen lotsa people avulse themselves from what they used to strongly hold and believed and i cant help to blame the freedom and their lousy mind to choose what's right for them. how much overboard student still retained their tudung while being away from parents? and how much of them still struggling to wear a perfect invisible angel mask everytime they come back to Malaysia? i feel sorry if you are one of them.

truly i have no issues with this kinda people if they keep it low profile. u wanna change yourself to Amy Winehouse and reserve yourself a place in a rehab centre, go ahead i wont bother. but pleaseeee stop irritates me with your stinky breath telling me either consciously or not how much i've been so conservative and obsolete for not having the same lifestyle as yours and how proud u are to be as modernized person as u have become now. will ya?

btw, not having me in your reunion group might be the best decision u've ever made in your life.


your annoyed BFF.

p/s : last post wasn't intentional. i dunno how it became like that and im too lazy to type it all over again into a new post. wish for my healthiness so that i can repost it someday for a readable view ok. have a good day ppl.

Friday, October 29, 2010

i missed hating him

sorry for the long silence. i was really in no mood to update anything plus i ran out of idea on what to blog lately and therefore being in hiatus is the best option i suppose.

big bro is getting married soon. he's going to be somebody's husband and later someone's dad. and im still the single mingle fair and lovely lady. haha

i remember saying "ko lelaki jahanammm!! sape kawen gn ko mmg perempuan bodohhhh!!bodohh nk mamposs!!" to him when i was 10. i hate him so much that i regretted being born as a sibling to him. but now he's finally getting married, and i see that stupid woman almost on a daily basis now. HAHA. if he is still the same person like he was to me back then i would be more than glad to be the thorn between the two of them now.

yes i was that rude to my brother because i think he deserved it. i never called him abang when i was child and i hate having to call him so everytime my aunt was around coz she kept nagging me on how disrespectful i was to him. but he nevertheless the closest that i have in my family and i missed having him around when he was not there.

i would say that brother was no different than a beast. he used to drag me from hall to kitchen back to gall again simply by pulling my hair. he also had officially made me his life size punching bag and i used to get a hiccup from that after i got one on my back. but he didn't give a damn shit though i screamed like a hysteric woman back then. we fought like we were in the middle of world war II and whenever we fought the neighbors always had to make an unscheduled visits to our house just to make sure that nobody's rib is broken everytime our parents were away.

the eldest is always the mischievous. that was what i heard from few people and it holds good for him. he was a lot rebellious as compared to me. and so that explains why he always be the target for experimenting the durability of mummy's new hanger, belt, host pipe or anything that ever crossed my dad's mind.

when he planned for running away from home, i was the one who cried the most and plead him to stay as if that i was about to lose him forever when i clearly knew that he himself didn't even know how to use the public transport let alone sufficient money to do so. i remember seeing him drawing the map for his escape behind our old cupboard which was readily accessible and visible to my parents. that might be the smartest move an 8-year old boy could think of and i swear that his plan of escape was no further than 313 meters away from our house. but i was 6 and it touched me anyway when he started to seriously packed his clothes and belongings ready to depart. he even made me swear not to tell mom and dad of his whereabouts oblivious to the map he forget to rub *or intended to leave so that his parents won't take longer time to find their starved son* behind the cupboard.

after a moment of sobbing and saying goodbye to each other he left me dumbfounded wondering when will we ever meet again. i even think of going for jejak kasih in tv3 that time for our later reunion but to my amazement, he returned after 15 minutes saying that he needed to pee and the runaway plan was forgotten ever since. i was happy but i managed to throw a tantrum at the same time to him for wasting gallons of my tears.

mummy always said that bulan ramadhan tu bulan mulia coz syaitan2 sume kene ikat so that there is no distraction for us utk beribadah. but i didn't need syaiton or any kind of jin to make me break my fast in the middle of day. a brother like mine will do. coz everytime when he cooked maggie or something, he always made it for two. that was a very diplomatic way of keeping my mouth shut. and i hate him for his effortless attempt to lure me into this temptation.

abang was also a FAIL problem solver. i remember us having shortage of undies due to rainy season and he confidently proposed the most stupid idea that even Einstein's donkey fail to think of as a solution and sounds even stupider when her sister conformed to his lame idea.

and this was what he suggested.

cut it accordingly to the dotted lines drawn.

andd.... voila! it's ready to wear!

yes u are right ladies, that's an F-ing plastic bag. simple and water proof. we have leggings and even jeggings in store nowadays. but now we also have "undieng" ready in stock. undieng works best during hot season paired with malfunctioned fan or air conditioner and also during vigorous exercise. we also have an offer "buy one pack and get 10 scabies free". now u can also get the world's attention to your groin effortlessly while strolling on the beach.
however it doesn't come with a rubber strap up there so u might have to tie it around your waist manually. LOL

well that was a brilliant idea indeed invented by my brother. but why the hell his sister wore it anyways? isn't she a genius too?

p/s : i am officially declaring u a superhuman for being able to read this post to this extent. LOL

Saturday, September 25, 2010

how to be a FB star?

hey guys.. so how long i've been ignoring my blog here? one week or two?

last time i remember talking a bit about instant celebrity in my tribute to p. ramlee post. well now i think that i would like to give away some tips on how to be a FB star without having to undergo the audition phase.


first of all, before you do anything, think like a star. but don't get too carried away. you are yet to be a FB star.

approve all the friend requests u have even though the profile name sounds like "boodak nuckal" and "lisa comey" type and do the favor by adding their friends back to get at least a total of 5438 friends.

act as if u have a bunch of fans in your friend's list. or else, it is advisable to think like all 4573 friends of yours are your die hard stalkers. when you have this with u, then i think u are ready to go.

FB status

change your facebook status every 3 minutes or so. dont let ur FB be a mundane one by flooding it with "barn buddy" or "restaurant city" type of statuses. your fans want to know more about yourself, your life, and what revolves around u, not the goddamm crops u've been working on or missing cows u have found.

u dont know what to update?

its okay, dont crack that little brain of yours. a simple "hye good morning people" would do. u can tweak it accordingly depending upon the time u go "on air" .

act like u are a concerned prime minister in the next minutes asking the health of his taxpayer by simply putting " apekhabar semua org hariniii?????sihat ke x?" in your status update.

tips : remember to address your fans dearly. add a smiley at the end of the sentence to tell them how u feel.

u can also say something that's not worth to mention at all like "bosannnnnnnnnnnyeee" or "..............................." but trust me your dear fan out there are really happy with it. that way they will know that u are currently online and thus can have a FB chat with their idol. if u are single, this is the best time to get hooked up with someone u have been stalking since forever.

relationship status

you are the hottest man or woman on earth no doubt. remember this. due to that u might want to let ur fans know ur current relationship status. u have just dated an osem Mc'd delivery boy last 32 minutes. let the world know. change it to "in a relationship". tell the frustrated pervert (whom u have approved randomly) that u are now taken and have found the love of your life, that you will no longer be able to entertain their lonely little dick.

if u happened to have a fight with your boy, MAKE SURE that ur tittle is no longer "in a relationship" change it to "its complicated". u might be having comments flooding in asking u why this and that. don't get panicked, you are actually on the right track. deal with them wisely. let the comments raised upto hundreds if possible. that will get u noticed way much easier as it will appear on your fan's homepage as their top stories. u will be known among ur new fans in no time.

u might want to change your status back to "single " again just to see how much have been hitting on you, whom also have a pair of undescended testes to make a move. be prepared to have comments like " wow, dah single ke? boleh la tackle ni?" they might have the lamest pickup line u have ever imagined, but don't think too much of that. this is the time to get noticed. tell them u just love the way they flirts and all. this way they will keep commenting on your status and voila, it appears in your friend's homepage again. remember to treat your fans equally and make them feel that all of them have a fair chance to win your heart.

plus point : a face as sexy-bitchy-naughty-me as megan fox's with pamela's bust.

tweak it : add cute giggles like "hikhikhik ^_^" at the end of ur comments to show the true feminine part of yours coz i have never seen a guy dated pengkid.

i think thats all for now. i'm being quite unfair to the other gender i know. but dont worry ,i 'll come up with some more tips for the bloke out there in my next post later.

till then, good luck and have a safe sex everyone.HAHA

Thursday, September 9, 2010

raya dtg lagi.

i think right now everyone is busy preparing themselves for tomorrow's eid. those yg x busy pon akn buat2 nmpk busy doing nothing so that the makciks would not accuse them of being a lazy ass especially the girls sbb the guys usually do nothing. they spent their time watching forum raya kt tv or tgk cite pontianak harun sundal malam kt astro while the aunties and sistah tang tung ting kat dapor. this is actually the part which i detest most. org melayu selalu sexist. asl nama ko tu pompuan keje ko duduk dapor jadi hamba abdi. lelaki pulak keje besarkan telo. if dulu2 this is acceptable la gak sbb ppuan2 zaman dulu xkluar bekerja so duduk umah pon xbuat ape mengangkang layan laki je. but now almost every women earn their own pocket money, and lelaki plak buat2 xreti nk bg nafkah kat bini lagi pegi joli dgn betina laen ade. pastu balik umah budget mcm bos besar xnk tlg buat keje umah even nk mkn pon klu boleh nk suh si bini suap. bangang &#%@(@)# tutttt..

eh ter emo plak. kn dh lari tajuk.

slalu time2 raya mcm ni aku dh balik kampong and salunye waktu ideal for driving is around 1-2 pg sbb time tu tak jam. my dad mmg xpenah drive balik kampong time broad daylight.. the journey to kg will take around 1-2 hours je and so ktrg akn smpi pagi2 in which that time sumerang tgh tdo. nenek aku mmg dh taw sgt perangai my dad ni n so she will ask my dad nk balik bile n standby tido2 ayam bile taw ktrg nk balik so that xdelah aku end up tdo dgn ayam2 die kat luar tu. and mase time ktrg balik tu besenye all the cousins mmg dh ade kt kg. so maybe my dad nk buat magic copperfield die bgn pagi2 je die dh ade tdo sbelah pakcik aku biar pakcik aku klu tiap2 tahun camtu magic ke?

bangun pagi adalah bende palinggggg malassssss kat kg sbb org2 tua ni kan suka bgn pagi. so budak2 yg x bgn pagi pon kene gak bangun pagi cover line depan sedara handai. cume org2 kental mcm aku jek yg xnk gak bgn n sanggup jadi org nomad pindah from bilik ke bilik everytime kene ambush gn the makciks including maam besar that is mak aku. bilik kat kg2 salunye mmg bnyk and so with the bantal n tilams. klu rasa2 nk nmpk invisible aku akn buat bntal tu mcm benteng pertahanan susun tgi2 pastu tdo kt the other side so dorang xpasan.

salunye buat keje ni bukan aku sorang tp gn my true accomplice iaitu abg aku. oh die lagi kental smpi kene pulas telinga suh bgn pon die boleh lagi xsedar. bebal sgt dh telinga tu agaknye. tp xbest geng gn abg aku sbb die laki. papehal pon mesti aku kene perambat dulu suh bgn sbb org tua kata ank dara xelok bgn tgh hari. tah dari mana2 je dorang petik sumber ni. what does a man has that a woman doesn't that has anything to do with waking up late. sumpah xpaham. yg xbest sbb my cousin ni pon jenis bgn awal gak kt kg so theres no way la my mom akn diamkn je ank die tdo ke tgh hari. die xtaw padahal budak2 ni same je mcm ank2 die.

bile dh bgn tu they wont just leave me alone la. xde mananye ko boleh besandar senang lenang tgk dragon ball Z pas mandi tu. kene tlg org2 kat dapor tu ok. klu ko tgk tv automatik title anak dara sejati hilang mcm tu jek. oh klu xtlg kt dapor pon kene la tlg kemas2 depan ke ape kang nnt org nk dtg beraya plak. nnt klu xtlg mak aku start la ceramah ehwal islam die.

"anak si mektam tu elokkkkk jek aku tgk bangun pagi trus tlg kemas depan basuh baju sume. ko ni dh la bgn pon lmbt pastu xreti nk tlg2 plak tu."

"tu anak mektam mak, anak mama org laen."

aku kdg mls nk amek port. tp mak aku mmg jenis persistent ckp bnyk2 kali mmg boleh jadi tertanggal telinga ko kalau dngar die membebel. so sbb mls nk dgr aku pon bgn la. tp xbuat keje pon aku akn makesure aku mcm busy dgn pegi ulang alik from dapur ke depan. if org sebok2 kt kt dapor aku akn dok dpan , klu org kt depan aku g dapor. that way ppl will think yg aku tgh kt depan tlg kemas2 and vice versa. klu 22 ade org kite masuk bilik, cari port sesuai dan smbg tdo anda. HAHA.

erm balik kampong mmg best tp antara yg xbest part nk tlg masak2 and layan guest. tah sape2 je dtg pastu tny

" ni ke ank ko miah? eh dh besar panjang yg baya si zaid kan. cantik molek dh besar eh. dulu kecik smemeh je aku tgk. "

dan2 bile die ckp camtu aku automatik idung kembang kempis control ayu kot2 ank die tu hensem belaka baru balik blaja kt obersea n kebetulan maknye tu tgh cari2 menantu . tak nak la nnt orang kata melepas plak. hakhak.

actually bnyk je mnde2 yg aku xsuke time raya tp layankan saje sbb time raya ni la kite bleh kaut untung duit raya sebanyak yg boleh. harhar. tp raya kali ni xbest for me sbb i dont feel like celebrating eid at all. no baju raya, no kasut raya, kuih raya, no nothing. maybe btul la kata orang raya ni bile dh maken besar maken xbest. paling xbest mestila dh xdpat duit rayaaaa...lagi kene bg kt orang ade.huwarrghhh bencinye. =_=

ok lah, pnjang lak mmbebel. happy eid to all from Pn B dan suami.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A tribute to P. Ramlee

emak : mat, ekau abes blaja nanti nk buat ape? pi la cari keje sane. dok ngabehkan boraih yo.

mat : mat igt nk pindah kolumpo la mak try ujibakat yg cari bintang pelem tu. ade rezeki boleh jadi pemes ganti Allayrham P. ramlee tu. hebat eh die tu mak, serba serbi boleh.

so peeps, do you familiar with this kind of dialog? well i think almost all 80's or 90's malay film will sort of have this conversation in their hero's script. majority of them will want to migrate to the town to try the luck with their talent and this is put forth just to show u guys how hard the oldfags artist works just to be in the entertainment field and mind u that their talents were no match to most artist's we have right now. the former are still be remembered till this very moment albeit they no longer exist in this world.

if we were to compare them with current situation, its far more easier for the newfags to gain their entry to this entertainment world. they don't need to leave their homeland to join an audition since the organizer will make a tour to every city to search for the new talent. and if they are lucky enough then they might have to leave their kampong to be in an academy mengecap kejayaan yg tak berapa hangat, walhal hangat tahi ayam di kampongnye adalah lebih memberansangkan. big thanks to AF, Mystarz LG, Mentor, OIAM and whatnot.

i remember back then when i was an innocent pretty little girl i adore Allahyarham Tan Sri P Ramlee so much that i repeatedly watched his films and movies produced by him. he really had a great sense of humor that even you have heard he cracked the same damn joke for the umpteenth times you can still laugh your ass off at it. it holds true for some otai-otai lama yg obviously enjoying A.R Tompel's uneven teeth way much than watching Cecupak's lame ass.

god bless him

today's proclaimed entertainers are seen not because of their insignificant talent but rather their gay looks, fasha-jejai like controversies and to some extent their decent family background like Mawi the "world". for fuck sake their families pon leh jd public figure. not to mention the failed one yg melukut di tepi gantang mcm Syura, Zarina Ann julie, and artis mee segera zahid, zarina *just to name few sbb gua mmg xlayan AF* yang belom pon mati lagi org dh start lupe2 tengik mereka itu artis.

He (Allahyarham) on the other hand was not just a great comedian but also a hell of a singer, musician, actor and dancer. *ok dancer tu tipu* he was so damn good at acting that i used to let my precious one in a million teardrop fall while watching "ibu mertuaku" . HAHA. well at least it was sad enough for a 9 year- old girl to shed her tears. forgiven ar gua perempuan hati lembut bai.kakaka.

while artis skrg plak jgn nak kata depa ni multitalented, nyanyi lagu twinkle2 little star pon sumbang lagi tp dh try dunia lakonan plak. but its ok. they might as well cater enough supply for prof abdul razak mohaideen in his next "Anak Mami the Movies 3456 " sequel. in fact, seeing them acting stiffer than Optimus Prime is indeed a tear inducer for me. and i think Lisa Suriani was pretty talented at that . HAHA *sorry Lisa lovers* well that explains why i'd never waste my MYR 8 for malay movies in cinema these days unless proven worthwhile.

ps : kantoi gua suke baca gossip artis. HAHAHA.

Friday, September 3, 2010

when i grow up!

i supposed everyone has a dream job during childhood and i believe very few then got their dreams come true.. most people had more than a dream job in their lives . that's because as we grew older we learnt how to meticulously choose our path in life . so here aku nk share with u guys my dream job mase kecik2. buckle up people!

the first one was....


oh mase kecik sgt suke berangan jadi teacher sbb rasa mcm they are totally gorgeous. above picture is the best epitome of what i had imagined back then. time berangan tu i will put my glasses on and carry few files on my hands buat2 busy kehulu kehilir wearing high heels.. and that time my students were my childhood friends yg bile aku rase mls nk jadi teacher dorang akan bertukar plak jadi cikgu aku. another reason sbb aku suke menulis kt blackboard is aku rasa my handwrtiting mcm cantik giler biler guner chalk as compared to using pencil.

tapi dh besar baru sedar aku xsesuai jadi cikgu sbb aku klu ajar org pastu die xpaham2 gak boleh mendatangkan marah. cube imagine klu aku dpt students yg bebal lambat pick up. boleh bertukar jadi supersaya kt depan tu gaknye. kan dh laen dgn what i had imagined so far. xbleh dh nk jadi cikgu gojes. so xpelah i pick another job.

there you go..

A singer

hoyeahh this one mmg aku suke dari kecik. sbb aku mmg suke menyanyi. tempat favourite dlm toilet n depan kipas sbb bile ade echo2 suara mcm lagi sedap. dan dan. oh kawan aku pon penah bg tips gak klu korg nk nyanyi sedap nyanyi slow2 je mcm guner suara dari perut gitu.jgn guner suara asli tekak korg tu sbb nnt kantoi suara garau cam maknyah. aku xtaw la btul ke x sbb aku xguner suara perut pon dh abes sedap. muahahaha.

oh mase kekecik salu gak pegi join nyanyi sana sini masuk bintang tah hape2. time tu mcm xrasa segan ke ape sbb kecik lagi kan nk control ayu lelebih sgt pon boobs baru2 nk tumbuh, muka plak berkerak so toksah berangan la org nk ngorat ko.haha. tp biler dh besar2 mcm segan plak nk perform depan audience yg ramai tu. dh klu segan nk nyanyi dpn org kejadah anda la nk jadi penyanyi plak kan. xkn nk pki topeng transformers mase nyanyi. so aku pon start berangan job laen plak.

ya betul! radio deejay!

rasa nk jadi deejay ni started when i was in high school lagi since i think it suits me sbb aku agak talkative and i have great passion for music. advantage being a radio deejay is that u dont even have to reveal yourself. takyah susah2 nk rembat topeng transformers adek saya. pastu senang je keje die bgn2 tido xsikat rambut pon boleh trus keje. pastu bebel lah ko smpi ke pagi. klu jadi singer kene touch up lubang2 kat muka, pki fake eyelash, buat rambut bagai.. ahh malas malas.

pastu the part that i like most about this job is ko bleh mengarut sesuka hati. klu dh bosan putar lagu2 Mawi or Justin Bibir kite bleh je try buat konsert sndiri kt konti. so u can be both, a singer and deejay. kan best tu .pastu sume pendengar ko lari.haha. ok one more thing yg best is boleh interact dgn ur listeners pastu boleh la kite buat slot keluh kesah bersama kak esah plak.

caller : kak esah, i ni boleh dikatakan cantik rupa paras, body meletop, n masalah i skg ni i pelik la kenapa i still tidak jumpe cinta sejati even dh bertahun2 i try cari.

me : oh yeke? mungkin cik adik ni terlalu memilih orangnye.

caller : no kak esah, i memang bukan jenis mcm tu kayy. i pernah jumpe bnyk guys tetapi tak tahan lama. and i selalu gk try to make a move tp everytime i try approach jejaka tersebut mesti dorang xlayan.dorang mcm akan cepat2 blah camtu. tolonglah kak esah oi. stress taw i.

me : eh kenapa macam tu sekali. awak sure ke awak ni cantik?pki deoderant tak before that?

caller : kuang ajau gak kau ni esah. mak pkai deodarant sebotol la nyah! tu pelik tu.

me : erk mcm ni la cik pemanggil.i think what u really need is vaginoplasty.

huhu.. berangan lagi.. ok jadi dj mmg best. sbb aku rs keje die simple. bleh glamor tanpa kompromi.haha. nk gelemer je keje kau kan. tp sbb nk jadi dj ni gak telah membuatkn aku fail medical school interview. demit. haha. nnt bebiler aku rajin aku tulis psl interview tu rite. skg dh pnt n nk tdo. tata.

ps: luper nk bgtaw sume impian di atas tak kesampaian. aku bukanlah seorang guru, seekor penyanyi hatta sebuah dj sekali pon. huhu.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Teka Teki Teka Tekuk

i had too much time yesterday night and i came across
( thats a lie, aku bosan smpi tahap rasa nk tgk berapa einstienkah aku) these. yes the teka teki. back then when aku kecik2 kt skolah asl cikgu takdek jek mesti sumerang sibuk invent their own stupid version of teka teki and some of them mmg undeniably mengundang kaki ke muka lagak gayanye. tak kurang jugak yg try nk bg teteki lucah berbaur kelakar konon bile ko jawab lucah ko dituduh otak kuning. pastu jawapan plak tak kiralah bape punye lojik korang bagi reasoning pon die xkn terima sbb asal xsama dgn jawapan die korang akan dikira salah. pehh macam langsi. sbb aku jenis yg tanak kalah so klu satu teka teki tu bleh makan berjam gak la bertekak.HAHA

kadang2 tu siap tulis kat board soklan teka teki bg kat satu kelas. pastu buat 2 column tulis lelaki n perempuan utk letak markah. yg conduct teka teki tu xagak2 la bukan org kebanyakan, biasanya prefect2 (mcm aku) ni jugak. column laki pompuan tu bese wat kaver line je konon2 nk tulis sape bising kot tetbe cikgu maimunah sergah. . yelah mula2 org bg teka teki kt memember dekat2 je.pastu dgr kat member lain sume nk jawab.last2 satu class join ktrg dgr teka teki mangkuk ayun tu.lgpon klu sorang je nk pikir bg teka teki parak gak sape2 ade idea longkang nk perkena org tu bolehla dtg depan tunjuk bakat ko sket. klu untung sabut bleh dapat rasa kaki gua kat muka hensom lu yg mcm man kidal tu. HAHA

ok so if korang rasa korang punye IQ level tu tahap 187 u can make a guess to these teka teki ok. jawapan die ade je kat bawah tu tp before korng tgk jawapan tu try answer it orait? jgn main tipu taw. tak baek tuhan nampak. HEHE

hint: soalan makin susah bila ke bawah

1) Ape benda bila masuk segitiga bila kuar bergulung-gulung?

Jawapan: Seluar dalam

2) Bulu bertemu bulu kulit bertemu kulit makin tambah rapat makin nikmat rasanyer!

Jawapan: MATA . kan dh kata jgn otak kuning!haha

3) Masa dia hidup kita menyanyi, masa dia mati kita tepuk tangan.

Jawapan: lilin masa sambut EPI BESDAY

4) Apa dia ‘Jauh di mata, dekat di hati’?

Jawapan: Usus

5) Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala?

Jawapan: Kutu rambut

6) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak?

Jawapan: Pintu yang ade tulis ‘TARIK

7) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat, nikmat dan nyaman?

Jawapan: LUBANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pastu lu tido balik….

8) Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5 kaki…siapakah saya?

Jawapan: Pembohong…

9) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?

Jawapan: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada saye.

10) Gajah terbang dengan ape?

Jawapan: Dengan susah payah……

so berapa banyakkah kaki yg aku dh rasa klu aku kt sbelah korang time ni? fikir-fikir kan. HAHAHAHA!

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